If You Like Chicken, You'll Love Goat

I've figured out a new way to save money!

I want to buy a goat.

The idea came to me last night when my husband stormed into the house and bellowed, "Those d*mn chickens are eating the friggin' siding off the house!" Sure enough, all along the bottom of the hovel we call home, those chickens have nibbled off the soggy siding.

This situation reminded me of Pica, a condition which causes you to eat bizarre, non-food things like sand or Velveeta. The underlying cause is vitamin deficiency, but there's no way these chickens are insufficient in anything other than good sense. I feed those hens a steady diet of peanut butter and jelly crusts, ramen noodles, chicken nuggets, pancakes and meatloaf. If they're lacking something it's beyond me. I once went on a diet that consisted of nothing more than Exlax, a dill pickle and sucking the crumbs out of the toaster and I'm just fine. Those crazy chickens are just plain spoiled.

Let's hop on to my original train of thought. It goes like this:

Chickens eat our house.
House isn't real food.
Goats eat tin cans in children's books.
Goats eat garbage.
Disposing of garbage costs money.
Neighbors have not yet complained about presence of livestock in our yard....

Obviously, it makes sense to buy a goat, feed it our garbage, tell Allied Waste where to stick their cans, and learn how to milk a goat. I'm not sure why I didn't think of it sooner.

I'm sold, but I know it will take some pretty convincing arguments to win Donovan over. I'll start with starvation since that weakens will power and reasoning skills. Then I'll move on to the finer points.

Point A) Goats make milk, milk makes cheese. Donovan likes cheesy things. (This will be particularly effective if he's thoroughly emaciated.)

Point B) No more rolling smelly garbage bins to the curb - just throw it on the deck.

Point C) No more wasting money at petting zoos.

Point D) "I don't know why I want it, I just do! Why don't I ever get to have anything nice?! No, I'm not hormonal! You just don't understand. You don't get how hard it is to be at home all the time with no goat to keep me company. Why don't you ever listen to me?? Can I have a hug? Leave me alone, I'm gonna make a pie."

I think that would about cover it.

I'll bring you a batch of goat yogurt in a few weeks.



(c) 21010, Kelsey Robbins