Regrets

I printed out my column for my Mom to read. She looked over it and didn’t crack a single smile. I said, “Isn’t it funny?” and she said, “Maybe I just have to read it one more time. You use too many big words.”

I emailed it to my Dad, and he said, ‘I thought it was nice... everyone has a different sense of humor.”

My in-laws have no comment.

Then, because I can’t quit picking a scab, I went to the website for the competition and saw a link to the panel of judges. These aren’t just educated people who like to read. These are big time published authors, syndicated humor columnists from The Washington Post and Good Housekeeping, editors, and infamous bloggers with readership in the hundreds of thousands.

I feel like the biggest idiot in the world - and I’m completely horrified that all these people are going to be forced to read what leaked from my neurotic brain.

You may choose to come here but those poor judges are bound by contracts.

You know, you sit down to write something and you can see it in your mind, but putting it in writing (in 450 words or less) in a way that other people can see that same image is really hard. I think I had a few good one-liners but it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know. I’ve been crying over it ever since. I should have written it and then put it away for a few days – I had the time to do it. Donovan told me I should step away and decide if I was still happy with it after 48 hours and then send it in. But I get so excited and impulsive. I had to submit it, post it and email everyone I know about it.

The only good news is that I installed a “counter” on my blog. In the last 8 days I’ve had over 170 page views. You people are masochists.

The icing on this crapcake is that I let myself believe for more than five minutes that I could win it, even though I told all of you that winning wasn’t the important part.
I was already planning bake sales and bank robberies to come up with enough cash to afford the flight to Dayton. I was going to wear a suit, drink strong coffee, take notes and steal other writer's ideas. I was going to walk around in sassy heels saying, "Why yes! I am the woman who won. Did you know there were over 2000 entries?" I wanted to feel grown up for a few days. I wanted to be successful at something other than lifting stubborn stains. I wanted to head to Ohio and not call home to ask what the kids ate for lunch.

Stupid, stupid, stupid housewife!!!! I'm not even sure that I technically graduated from high school and I wanted to do something that requires an education. If you ever want to scare your kids into the admissions office, just show them this blog.

((c)Kelsey's not copyrighting her nonsense anymore) 2010, Kelsey Robbins