Letter to the Editor

Some people have an inner child. I have a crotchety old lady who argues with the television and hoards cats.

For an old broad I have a lot of energy. Yesterday I spent most of the evening at my real job cleaning a dental office. I hate spending a beautiful Sunday afternoon away from my family, but the thought of vacuuming 4800 square feet is irresistible and my kids deserve luxuries like shoes.

While I'm sucking up bits of chipped teeth, my husband and dependents are downtown at Boise's first annual Curb Cup. This was advertised as a local version of "America's Got Talent" with various acts competing for a $1,000 prize.

One of the amazing skills exhibited in The City of Trees was a pole dancer. Another man displayed a sign stating he "will work for sex." As soon as this bit of information reached the hearing aid of my internal geriatric patient I felt compelled to write a letter to the editor at The Idaho Statesman.

I whipped up an angry but linguistically brilliant email. After I pressed "send" I instantly regretted it. I haven't yet had my first midlife crisis and I've already turned into one of those people!

I can only imagine the kind of response my rant will produce. People will be writing in to accuse me of being prude, backwards, and Republican (all of these are technically true.) An activist group will denounce me as un-American and intent on suppressing the freedom to publicly gyrate. Following that, I'm positive I'll wake up one morning to a giant stripper pole on fire in my front yard.

Keep your eyes on the newspaper in the next few days. I may finally see my name in print, although not in the way I had hoped. It will look something like this:

LOCAL WOMAN HOSPITALIZED AFTER
CROTCHLESS PANTY BOMB
EXPLODES MINIVAN

Please don't visit me in the hospital. The old woman needs a little peace and quiet.



(c) 2009, Kelsey Robbins